Before I go into another political rant, I have other revelations to talk about.
I am much healthier, as the plague I've been fighting for a couple of weeks is finally dying down. I was sitting in the broadcast studio this morning with my friend Kim, who is a work study down there. We were discussing things. I realized I was still bitter about the Mr. Maxwell events of '05. Why? He didn't do anything to me directly. I realize that I hate a lot of what I've been through---but mainly, how I've dealt with them. I shove things away from me. I shove away a lot of the anger. I'm terrified to turn to someone and say "I'm angry."
Angry isn't pretty.
I am a specialist at holding on to things I can't control. I'm a control freak. If I'm not in a stable situation--I don't know how to act. I'm terrified of change. Of growing older and being alone.
But I am getting better, and I know this. My friend Kim from the studio is engaged. And when she was telling me how she and her boy had met, how he proposed---I felt something different this time. I felt elated for her. Completely happy.
Completely normal reaction, yeah? If this had been a little while ago, I would have been jealous of her happiness. I would have gone back to my room and sulked; I would have been depressed that my first love simply stopped loving me completely one morning. And today? I wanted to hear everything about it. Because I know, deep down, one day---I will be the one telling my girlfriends the story. Life comes at you in turns, in circles. Eventually, you will get somewhere. It's a matter of learning patience. A matter of learning how not to worry.
Worrying. Joe always got upset with me for worrying too much. And it's the truth. I'm worried about what people think of me, about how to act around them. So, I'm going to try and tame myself. I am going to take life as it comes at me. I finally understand. I want to be normal. Roll with the punches. If it doesn't work--I'll be hurt. But, I'll know how to stand back up and most importantly, how to love more and more each time. You can't let things leave you bitter.
So, here I've been, terrified of loving again and taking risks. Worrying about what people will think about me when they meet me.
I am a gorgeous light. Stop worrying. Stay patient.
With the upcoming elections, I encourage all young voters who are voting for the first time (like myself) to vote. I also hope that they will consider the actual politics, and not just what they hear in commercials and through popular opinion. It shouldn't matter which party you belong to---in my opinion, there should be no parties. After all, parties were ever only good for one thing: dividing a country and separating its people.
I call myself a moderate; however am registered as a democrat (the party who's opinion I typically lean towards). Recently, a blog I respect and admire for its positive, Christian-based message towards young adults has disappointed me greatly with counter-slander on Senator John Kerry's words in the past weekend. Although frustrating to hear political professionals stooping to the standard mudslinging.
Can't we stop this?
I ask my generation to consider it. I ask my generation to not allow pettiness to hault our nation from moving onwards and upwards. Right now, we are fighting ourselves in self-destructing circles. What is it good for a country to divide itself into these parties that sit around and complain about one another? We will go nowhere until we pick up our bags, find a compromise and move in a positive direction, doing what is best for our people and not just for specific socio-economic groups one 4 year period at a time.
Consider it. Look at each politician, figure out who you personally agree with more on their politics and policy. Learn their political history and background. Figure out who you agree with and use your vote well. Don't vote for someone only because your parents or friends like them; vote because they represent you. Don't vote for a person just because they are a democrat or republican and are the same party as you. Vote because you know the issues and care.
I will leave my political views out of this, and won't leave you with a petty cartoon that embarasses either "side" of the situation.
Let me admit something to you. I have never liked doing mathematics. This is no secret to anyone who knows me on a personal level or who's been in math classes with me. I don't like numbers because they don't speak to me, they aren't personal or close to my heart and they jumble in my mind.
I had one or two decent math teachers in grade school, but the public schooling system doesn't allow for time or patience of learning the maths, which I find problematic since I need time to work out numbers and have the ability to solve complicated problems.
I am taking Math 100: Mathematical Literacy this year at school because it's a class offered to students who feel that they don't excel at the maths and have busy schedules completing other subjects (lets just say the amount of writing I have to do this semester is beyond insanity, a post that will come sooner or later).
Our teacher, a brilliant Scottish woman, has asked us to complete a short mathematical autobiography for tomorrow. In the middle of writing it, I realized that all of my fears related to math and science are directly related to my experiences as a child in a public schooling system that taught embarassment for being incorrect and pushed students along even if they didn't fully understand the problems in order to make state test requirements. This system exists even more today, and I worry for all the kids who have to deal with it.
Writing this paper allowed me to see what the real problem with me is: Its not that I can't do that math--it is that I won't allow myself to make mistakes, so I just block my mind and give up far too easily.
This semester won't be easy just because I'm saying I am going to make an effort to do well in this class---which will help me a little bit, but I will still struggle here and there. But it's always okay to ask for help and its always okay to work with classmates.
Wish me luck, say a prayer.
But ask yourself:
Is there any fear or problem in my life I can overcome?
So, my friend Jenn and I came to one very interesting conclusion about myself today.
I am, without a doubt, much better off single. Which is strange, because I'm always on the look out for a great guy. We both agreed that I am much more active and fun. I also apparently am able to come up with more ideas since the thought process is more focused on the tasks in front of me.
Do you ever feel like you've just woken up from a bizarre and twisted dream? I am sure you know what I am talking about here. It is the one where you just haven't acutally been yourself for the last year or so because of one silly reason or another, yet at the same time you learn far more about yourself than you would have imagined.
And once you're out of this funk, once you've woken up, sobered up in the shower and gotten ready for the day, you feel like you've walked back into your own life.
If you haven't felt this, perhaps you are currently being blinded by the dream you're currently stuck in. I ask you to analyze yourself for a second. Pull yourself out of your mindset and actually take a look at your life. If you, for even a second, doubt anything----I recommend you check it at the door. Make sure everything is okay.
I am realizing all the things I've done wrong in the last year---but I am also realizing the massive amount of growth I've achieved in the last few months.
Questions I ask myself daily to keep in check:
Do you recognize yourself when you look in the mirror? Are you moving foward, in a direction you love? Are you happy to be awake? Are you being kind, are you being reasonable? Did you make anyone smile, laugh or happy today? What can you do better?
These are just a few ideas of what I ask myself throughout the day. Believe it or not, it really helps. If you keep an open mind and heart--you can achieve anything.
If you are stuck in the dream sequence, realize the truths and seperate the lies we tell ourselves to keep one's mental state paralyzed from reality.
I invite you to the real world. Its much more refreshing here.
Its 12:41 a.m. and I am fully awake. Why? Because I have to go school shopping tomorrow with the parents, more than likely. I have been irresponsible yet again. I spent the entire day out with friends instead of going through my things and figuring out what I need to get when out with the parents, which I guarantee will annoy my mother to the Nth degree. So, I believe tomorrow will bring the actress out in me. I am going to act like I know exactly what I need and want for the dorm room.
I have a general idea of what I'd like to be in my space. I kind of know what I'm already taking. Its just filling in the blanks of what I used up last year. Basic living supplies is pretty much a necessity at this point, but I'm not worried because if I forget those--there are places just down the street I can buy these things from.
I'm still nervous about moving back in to dorm life. I've almost readjusted to living at home, and now I have to readjust to living on my own and making my own decisions. Dear. This whole process is entirely too confusing for a 19 year old girl to handle sometimes. I suppose I lose a grip on reality, on how young I actually am.
I've hit the stage I was warned about for so long. Its not exactly what I would describe as fun, but it is definitely an experience. How does one explain the transition from everyday teenager to an actual young woman?
It's a bold move for us ladies. One day, you're wearing old jeans with a tee shirt and sneakers. The next day, you're in a cute top with a flowing skirt and heels. My favorite is the combination look--heels with jeans and a "cute" shirt---this look can lead to trouble as it screams, "Help me! I'm becoming a woman and have no idea what I'm doing....would you help me grow up?" But this is an experience that I won't write about until a later blog, when appropriate and for when I've figured out the answer to how to "fix" the problem, if it even is a problem.
So, back to the topic of shopping for school. Aside from my explaining to the parents that "No, I am not 12 years old anymore," I suppose it will be fun and I hope to God that my mother is in a relatively good mood.
So, the debate I will face tomorrow is: Professional Wear, Regular Clothing or the Combination?
I am a journalism student attending a small women's private liberal arts school in Pennsylvania. I am going into my sophomore year in 7 days. This means I have 7 days to pack up my life and continue living in the city while spending an obscene amount of money on learning a career I don't even need a proper degree for.
Sounds snoody, right?
Its the truth.
I may, or may not, be starting a relationship this Fall. I am terrified, to be honest. I spent a year with a man I loved. He called me one day to tell me he didn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for awhile; that the physical benefits are what kept him around. I felt worthless.
I am beautiful. I remind myself this everyday.
This blog will be my story of how I make it.
and I will make it.
On my family crest, it states: Aut Vincere Aut Mori.