Tuesday, November 07, 2006
10:48 AM

I just got back from my very FIRST time voting.


Before I go into another political rant, I have other revelations to talk about.

I am much healthier, as the plague I've been fighting for a couple of weeks is finally dying down. I was sitting in the broadcast studio this morning with my friend Kim, who is a work study down there. We were discussing things. I realized I was still bitter about the Mr. Maxwell events of '05. Why? He didn't do anything to me directly. I realize that I hate a lot of what I've been through---but mainly, how I've dealt with them. I shove things away from me. I shove away a lot of the anger. I'm terrified to turn to someone and say "I'm angry."

Angry isn't pretty.

I am a specialist at holding on to things I can't control. I'm a control freak. If I'm not in a stable situation--I don't know how to act. I'm terrified of change. Of growing older and being alone.

But I am getting better, and I know this. My friend Kim from the studio is engaged. And when she was telling me how she and her boy had met, how he proposed---I felt something different this time. I felt elated for her. Completely happy.

Completely normal reaction, yeah? If this had been a little while ago, I would have been jealous of her happiness. I would have gone back to my room and sulked; I would have been depressed that my first love simply stopped loving me completely one morning. And today? I wanted to hear everything about it. Because I know, deep down, one day---I will be the one telling my girlfriends the story. Life comes at you in turns, in circles. Eventually, you will get somewhere. It's a matter of learning patience. A matter of learning how not to worry.

Worrying. Joe always got upset with me for worrying too much. And it's the truth. I'm worried about what people think of me, about how to act around them. So, I'm going to try and tame myself. I am going to take life as it comes at me. I finally understand. I want to be normal. Roll with the punches. If it doesn't work--I'll be hurt. But, I'll know how to stand back up and most importantly, how to love more and more each time. You can't let things leave you bitter.

So, here I've been, terrified of loving again and taking risks. Worrying about what people will think about me when they meet me.

I am a gorgeous light. Stop worrying. Stay patient.


breath.